Holy Shit! It's December!

Jeeeeez..... It's been awhile!

Oops, I Did it Again!

And not like Britney.

Yet again I've neglected my blogging goals due to my professional/personal ones. My new job is alright but the distance from my home is a fucking bitch. I plan on moving soon.

Anyway, my real reason for posting today is to seek out advice! I've decided to get my first tattoo!!! For my wonderful work of fleshy art I've decided to use a very profound and personally meaningful Bible verse. However, I don't want to just have the words on my body, I'd also like to have some beautiful imagery to accompany it. This is where the internet comes in! The Verse?

Proverbs 16:30

I'll gladly accept any and all visual recommendations either in the comments below or send me a message at funkymunkynat@gmail.com .

I look forward to your considerate advice!

P.S.


I'm getting it somewhere discreet and classy. My lower back!

BEDS!!!

Challenge accepted!

Does this count as a post?!

I'm still mad at Elmo.......

-Natalia

Change of plans, I'm not going to be doing the whole "BEDS" (Blogging Every Day in September) thing on this blog, it will be on my boring/non-sarcastic one.

NYC Royalty 3: Abdication

I know this post is a couple weeks late but I've only recently been barely able to peel my shattered soul from the ground.

What started as a wonderful whirlwind of  whimsical worship of the Hollywood romance movie type has now turned into a bona fide celebrity feud. Dead is the paparazzi dubbed "Natalmo" or "Elmatalia" and left in its place is pain and hatred. Not even our beautiful love child can save the disastrous train wreck of a relationship. I was PERFECT and he has to go and do something like this to me?!

What could destroy what everyone believed was the perfect relationship? It breaks my heart so much that I can't bring myself to say (or type) the horrendous deed. I will, however, share

I was minding my own business, surfing the waters of Twitter in search of waves of hilarity on this social networking beach of sarcasm. What I caught was a massive jellyfish sting to the heart that all the urine in the world cannot relieve.

http://twitpic.com/64ypib

Hope that blonde bitch was tickled. I sure as hell am not.

All I can say, is that a picture is worth a thousand words.

-Natalia

NYC Royalty 2: Coronation

As has already been made known at the end of my previous post, I married my prince charming during my long weekend in NYC back in April. For reasons I'll reveal at the end of this post, we had to get hitched as soon as possible. Although I have no acquaintances in New York myself, my current ex-husband (we're getting an annulment as quickly as we were hitched) had several. Luckily a good number of them were able to make it to our snappy, spirited, and sprightly sacrament.

We had some high class famous guests at our ceremony!

Including some of his coworkers!

The food was fantastic!
(Yes, we got married in a local Starbucks)

And this is the end result and the reason why we married so quickly.
We had a baby!

But alas, like the vast majority of celebrity marriages our whimsical union did not last long. Soon I will expose my once enchanted lover as the philandering puppet he is!

Sadly, our love child had to stay behind but baby I promise! Next time mommy is able to go to NYC I'll come back for you! I just gotta find you a new daddy first! Preferably a sweet and sugary one. Momma's got quite the sweet tooth and a baby to a sugar daddy is like a dentist to a cavity. 

Maybe that's the real reason I gained all that weight, too much sugar.

-The Ex-Mrs. Elmo

NYC Royalty 1: Accession

What I am about to share, is a love story of truly epic proportions. Even straight men will be moved to tears by the anecdotal parable I am about to bestow upon the world. The outcome? I am now an enchanted princess married to her prince charming. Let me

As previously, briefly mentioned I went on a 4-day trip to NYC back in April. While we were at the terminal waiting to board one of my mom's friend's calls her cell to give some last minute well wishes and the last thing she says before hanging up the phone was "Have a great vacation, Natalia is going to find her prince charming on this trip!"

And so the search ensued. From that very moment my eyes were peeled for the one who would sweep me off my feet. Though usually a nuisance, I found the paparazzi that constantly follow my every step proved a benefit. They helped capture my mystical, magical, memories in NYC. I'll let the pictures (and captions) tell the rest.

Oh, by the way, my favorite color is red!

Something in the distance caught my eye.

And then..... I saw him!

From the moment we locked eyes, I knew he was the one!

And he swept me off my feet!

However, my story does not end there but the conclusion will have to wait until my next post.

-Mrs. Elmo

Just a quickie!

Hellooooooooo out there!!!!!

To my 6/100 real followers, thanks for holding on. I'm back with just a very brief educational tidbit and tiny update on my life and lack of posts.

First off, I just finished 3 weeks at a new job. It's awesome but mentally exhausting. I get home and all I want to do is sleep. I'm also volunteering, which I plan on briefly talking about in the future. Later I'll try and post at least once a week and hopefully increase that once I get the hang of this new occupation.

So on to my quick educational information for the moment. I have a twitter account that honestly, I don't really use to share any moments of my life. I prefer to use it to follow others either for their humor or interesting life facts. In a previous post I've referenced OMGFacts but today I'd like to share a little factoid I picked up from Factlets, which I saw after it was retweeted by a friend.

"Female cane toads inflate their bodies so males they don't want to mate with can't hold on."


They even have a video to accompany this:

http://factlets.info/toad

Another interesting fact? The explanation above is also the same reason for my recent weight gain! The problem now is attracting the males I do want.

Alright. That's it for now. I'm thinking of posting something tomorrow. I've got a lot of material from my previous job that I'm just dying to share and after that I'll do a brief post about my new job and how I got it.

-Natalia

Still Alive!!!

I'm still alive! I swear!

I've just been consumed by work and studying for the GRE. I am excited to see that I've reached 100 followers while at the same time short on ideas for witty attempts at blogging. I also spent a weekend in NYC. Despite the trip itself not quite going as planned the city was AMAZING.

 I hope to go back soon to at least a once a week post.

So for the 7-9 people out of my 100 followers that actually read my blog, I apologize for my absence. Hopefully this week I'll post a decent update.

Work it girl, work it!!!

I should probably start off with a disclaimer. So I will.

Big massive disclaimer: I work in a small office of less than 15 people (including myself) with the VP’s office in our suite. Everyone is very laid back and loves to joke with each other but within means. The men in the office are not vulgar and show respect to us ladies. Everyone in the office is also hard-working.

With all that said, we have occasional moments like these:

There’s a throw blanket in the office that originally meant for some couches in our old suite. The VP made a comment about the blanket being inappropriate, something about how it made the area with the couches look like a scene for a dirty video. Now that we’ve moved into a new building, we’ve got a bigger suite and the VP has a bigger office with the couches placed in there. The old throw blanket was found and while the VP was gone on business, R, as a joke, draped the blanket over one of the couches. We had plans to take the gag a bit farther but felt that anything else would have been inappropriate. Well, today R was off but the VP was back. He grabbed the blanket, brought it back to our area, and said “My office is not a brothel” and proceeded to wrap my guest chair with it. So I asked him “Then what are you trying to say about me?!”  He apologizes and puts it on R’s chair (I told him it was her idea, she's known him since before he was VP). He said it was a good joke.

The office blankie

Later in the afternoon (Good Friday was a slow day for us) we had a moment of inactivity. As previously mentioned we recently moved into a new building but we did so before construction completed. For the most part the office is in decent condition but there are a few minor fix-ups to be done. One of these minor fix-ups it one of the conference/guest rooms in the front. We have the door to the room but no wall. The room has been missing a wall for at least a couple of weeks and this should have been done by now. Two of the ladies that work in the front w/me suggested that someone stand halfway in/out and someone else take a picture to send to building management. Guess who volunteered?!

I'm in 2 places at once!!!

Although I don't plan on working here forever, I like the environment and the people. The job isn't too stressful and we occasionally have moments of humor.

Next blog I'll talk about the construction workers around the office and practical jokes done by our sales guys to each other.

R's easy button. It says "That was easy!" when you hit it.

Blogger Statistician

I'm not sure about all you other bloggers out there but I like to check my blogger "stats" on occasion (and by that I mean everyday). I'm always curious where my blog readers are from and how they stubbled upon my ramblings.

I was pleasantly(?) surprised(!) when the other day I came across the "Search Keywords" section of my blog stats:

If anyone can offer an explanation to how "pregnant slut bogger" showed up as keywords associated with my posts, please tell me.

The "airborne toxic event (deluxe edition)" came from this post.

The "weird fact about isaace newton died a virgin" came from this post.

And I have no idea why "out of the country and" is a on the list. Or what should come after the "and."

Seriously, who searches for "pregnant slut blogger" (I don't want to know the why) and how in the hell did my blog end up in the search results?

People are weird. . . And creepy.

Btw,  I'm thinking of creating my own "blog award" after receiving a great rack award from Kage. Visit her blog. She's fucking awesome! And has great taste in boobs. ;)

Jeez...... Pregnant slut blogger? Really?! Oh, well. I'll take all the attention I can get.

"No it's not you, it's my ovaries."

One of my degrees is in psychology. One of my hobbies is reading. Sometimes I put these two things together and read articles from Psychology Today. A few months back I came across this gem of an article about "The Double Life of Women" by Annie Murphy Paul. One of the many interesting facts I learned from this is that apparently the type of guy a woman is physically attracted to changes with her ovulation cycle.

"In the two days or so of the ovulatory phase—the time when women are most likely to become pregnant—they gravitate toward men with more "masculine" traits. That means a man who sports a leaner, V-shaped body, and a face with a squarer chin, straighter, heavier eyebrows, and thinner lips; one who speaks in a lower-pitched voice, and displays more aggressive, dominant behavior. When a woman is in the follicular or luteal phases—during which the uterus sheds its lining and then builds it up again, and in which she generally cannot become pregnant—she prefers men with softer features, less-defined bodies, higher voices, and a gentler manner."

Translation: Women want to be dominated when they're fertile and dominate when they are not.

Interesting, huh? Even more interesting for me is that, being a female w/a cycle, I can do a little unofficial experimentation using myself as the participant. Here's what I found.

The last 6 weeks or so I started watching the show "Criminal Minds" after one of my co-workers recommended it to me. I was told the psychological puzzles would tickle my brain in ways that only Freud can. My co-worker was right. However, my something else also felt a bit tickled after being introduced to 2 particular characters on the show:

Derek Morgan (played by Shemar Moore):

Booty calling

Dr. Spencer Reid (played by Matthew Gray Gubler):

Wishing he knew what booty was like

For those of you who are unfamiliar with the series the pictures above give a pretty accurate impression of the characters. Agent Morgan is a super fit, badass alpha male. Agent/Dr. Reid is the super skinny young prodigy who is all brain, no physical strength, and unbelievably awkward (especially around women close to his age). In fact, in a season 6 episode they actually mention that he couldn't pass any of the physical tests at the academy but since he's so smart they made an exception. As I've been following the series I've noticed that as my mood (aka ovulation cycle) changes so does my favorite character.

Some days I can't help but fantasize that I'm the one he's handcuffing for being so naughty.

"M'am, I'm gonna need you to drop your panties"

Other days my mind won't stop ruminating on the thought of handcuffing Dr. Reid to my bed after having him read me a bedtime story from the Kama Sutra. Oh, the things I'd do to him!

Ooh, baby! I love it when you talk nerdy to me!

My co-worker said this show was right up my alley but she never mentioned that a couple of its characters would get up my something else.

Decisions, decisions. Am I in a sadistic or masochistic mood tonight?

This probably won't be the last time I blog about Criminal Minds but it definitely will be the last time I blog about my cycle of fertility.

I am insanely weird. . .

How to advertise to men!

Well, straight men anyway:

http://gizmodo.com/#!wtf/5771647


Very, very clever! I think it's perfect for advertising anything you believe men should buy.

Seriously! Where do people come up with ideas like these? I love it, hilarious! :)

Road to hell? I'll just take the elevator....

Because of the video above I only take elevators like these:

Once you get into heaven you can never go to hell.
Unless you take the stairs.

The Lock to Success is Also The Key

Back in late May/early June I took a mini-road trip to Alabama to attend a wedding but before arriving we made a one night stop in New Orleans. While sight-seeing throughout that magical moral city I stopped to learn a lesson from a wise, wise man (apparently I love to learn).

"Lemme give you kids some advice..."

This video pretty much sums up his wise words of wisdom:

"And that's how you become successful!"

I'm thinking this guy is totally legit. He's got a permanent position in New Orleans.

Currently listening to: "All I Ever Wanted" album by the Airborne Toxic Event because all I ever wanted was an easy way to be good at life. Keep an eye out for me in the near future. I'm pretty damn good at failing and I've got over 2 decades worth of practice!

Sexy Time!

Alright. I give up. I just can't help it. I am desperate for attention and I want more followers.

I've noticed that the best way to achieve this is by posting sexy pictures of chicks. Since I am a chick I'm going to make it easy and just post pictures of myself. I'll start off by making sexy facial expressions and move on to some amazing cleavage shots. I'm letting go of any tiny shrivel of self-respect I've ever had and putting on my best slut-face. Gone are my morals, feministic tendencies, and self-esteem. Seriously though, what good is a woman if she's not a hoe?

I'm starting off slow and gradually posting sexier pictures. I hope you boys have your lotion and box of tissues ready. Here are my humps, my humps, my lovely lady lumps.

I've got that perfect little movie star nose!

Oh, man. Check out that killer smile!

Triple Threat!

I have no shame and I'm single! Gentlemen? Yes? Maybe?

I'm gonna need a lot of beer to bag a dude...

M & J Pictures! =D

Well, apparently my spiritual experience with the birth of my "sister's" twin ladies wasn't interesting to most people since it's the post with the least amount of comments (same number as my very first entry which is pretty much just a picture of me using my dog as a pillow).

I have to admit though, it was a lengthy post (especially compared to all the others I've written), poorly written (I was so emotional and in desperate need of an outlet for it), I didn't really advertise my blog like I usually do, and the birth of babies (even multiples) tends to be relevant/meaningful only if you know or are related to the parents. I've had someone tell me once they didn't find any birth special at all and I'm sure he's not the only one who feels that way. I for one think every birth is special because the same person is never born twice. =)

Anyway, a couple of people showed interest in seeing a few pictures and L (the Mom!) finally sent me a few.  The girls are doing great! Mom is out of the hospital but the twins are not. They were 3 weeks premature and are currently in NICU but they are doing great, getting healthier by the day, and have a high probability of going home maybe even early next week.

Earlier this week they were put in the same incubator. M is the one in the front (she was born first) and J is behind her:

Peaceful!

I got to feed J the other day and she held her bottle in such a cute way that L (Mom) took a picture:

OMGSOCUTE!!!!

I also love just holding them while they sleep. L (Dad) thought it was hilarious how I kept staring at his daughter with such an idiotic expression and L (Mom) was amused as well. Here I am with the goofiest smile:

Duuuurrrrrr!!!!!!!!!

No tears from me this time around and not quite the same euphoric experience but still one of the most pleasurable things I've ever done. Oh, and just to give you an idea of the tiny-ness of the girls I am 5'5'' and about 145lbs. The girls are small but cute! They are about 4lbs and 9oz! :)

I should get back to writing short, (hopefully) humorous, sarcastic posts after this. But man, this experience was fucking awesome!

Currently listening to: The Airborne Toxic Event (Deluxe Edition) by The Airborne Toxic Event

Double Baby Bliss: L + L = M & J

I started this blog as a joke with the intention of posting brief ramblings about the random ridiculousness that I encounter in my average life. Friday evening, however, I had such an intense experience that this post   will be both serious and long. You're more than welcome to stop reading now and wait for the next post.

Wednesday a favorite couple of mine gave birth to beautiful, fraternal twin girls. I didn't realize until these last couple of days how much two of my friends (couple, wife and husband) meant to me. The wife was unofficially adopted by my family since her and her husband are temporarily here in the States and their families are in Brazil. My mom has ner name in her cell phone as "L Filha" (filha is Portuguese for daughter) and I have her in mine as "L Sister" and her nickname for me is Sis. Friday evening I was finally able to go and visit them after work and arrived with perfect timing. As I walked out of the elevator and took a look down the hall to my right I saw my mother, L & L (the couple), and another family friend coming towards my direction. They were on their way to see the ladybug twins.

Interacting with infants is not something new to me. I have a brother who is a decade younger than me and remember clearly when he was born and have been a "part-time mom" to him ever since. My parents have had several friends over the years give birth to kids and recently several of my own friends have had children and I've held and/or babysat several of them before. Despite feeling comfortable around infants I knew that seeing my nieces would at a minimum make me tear up but more than likely I would shed a few tears and feel the general peace and calm that most people tend to feel when seeing newborns. What I experienced next was completely unexpected.

When I walked into the room M was closest to the door and J on the other side. I looked over first at M and she was just waking up and started crying and that sound just made me lose it. I cried. I didn't bawl, but I didn't just shed that one, tiny, lonely tear that I expected. I cried. It was M's crying that just pushed me over the edge. I was really hoping not to cry infront of my mom, family friend, and L & L but M's crying was one of the most amazing things I had ever heard. J at that moment was being pretty quite and being breast fed by mom. I stood there and stared even though, again, I've seen several babies being breast fed in my lifetime. Occasionally I would stop and touch J's tiny foot or look over at M being held by her daddy and then by my own mother. Then I'd resume to looking back at J as my friend breast fed her and just watched. I didn't realize I'd been standing there staring for so long until I got home later that night. It was one of the first things my mom commented on and joked about it to my dad and one of the first things our family friend at the hospital wrote on my Facebook wall:

My mother to my father: "Natalia was so enchanted, she kept staring like an idiot for 15 minutes!"

Our friend on my Facebook: "Nat, I think you got a little hypnotized. Am I right?"

I replied to our friend, "No, not a little. A lot!"

While I stood there in my enchanted, hypnotic, and dazed stupor I experienced the most emotional and spiritual moments of my entire life. The thoughts and feelings that swept over my entire body is something that I can't explain but that I hope I experience again in the future. It was, in all honesty, the most spiritual experience I have ever had. I truly have never felt anything more amazing in my entire life than what I experienced that moment. This is the most amazing high I've ever felt and they're not even my biological nieces.

Like I mentioned earlier, seeing and interacting with babies is nothing new to me. I think that the difference in this situation was being around and growing close to my friend throughout her entire pregnancy. I was only 9 years old when my mom was pregnant with my youngest brother and lacked the intellectual capacity to truly stop, think, analyze, and appreciate the true beginning of life. I was just too eager to see and experience the end result. Also, this is the first time I've known someone to have multiples, that's already pretty big. I'm sure calling L sis, being called sis in return, and always being told to say hi to my nieces only helped to increase the impact of the twins birth. I feel like a true auntie! :)

I don't have any pictures with the twins yet. There's one picture of me holding M (she's the only one I've had the chance to hold so far) but I'd like to post one as soon as I get a chance.

Wow. Just, WOW.

Thaaaaaaaaanks!

It's been awhile since my last post but I've been busy with life.

On my last blog entry 2 people were kind enough to give me the....

Woo-woo!!! Anyway, I read the "rules" to this award when they themselves were awarded this by someone else and I must say it sounds suspiciously like a chain letter. Nonetheless I am very appreciative of their considerations in naming me in their blogs so I'll post the 7 things about me and name some of my favorite blogs but I'm not going to contact them just for this. If they want to post something like this they can but I'm not going to participate in the chain letter part of this. Also, the blogs that I list are blogs that I make an effort to read. They're all great and I suggest you check them out! Thanks again to Comewhinewithme and A Woman's Right to Shoes!

About me:

1. My favorite color is red

2. I love monkeys

3. I speak 3 languages

4. I love psychology with a passion (I have a bachelor of science degree in it)

5. I've met both Richard Dawkins and Sam Harris less than 2 weeks apart (can you believe it?! and here in the SOUTH!)

6. I have a black belt in Tae Kwon Do

7. I believe coffee is only good strong!

Favorite blogs

1. http://freebirdsburritos.blogspot.com/

2. http://vote-sanchez.blogspot.com/

3. http://abeerfortheshower.blogspot.com/

4. http://mullingaround.blogspot.com/

5. http://mulheremcrescimento.blogspot.com/

6. http://jimsfear.blogspot.com/

7. http://www.comewhinewithme.com/

8. http://cammiew4.blogspot.com/

9. http://asmileperday.blogspot.com/

10. http://israelcarrascojokes.blogspot.com/

I may add more to the list later! But for now, these are some of my favorites! :)

-Natalia

No seriously, I want to know!

One of my friends got a record player for Xmas and was super ecstatic about it. I was over at his house Thursday evening and got to see it and his excitement over it. He played a song by Tom Waits, who I had never heard of before until that night. When I told him I enjoyed the music he talked about the amazingness that is Mr. Waits and let me listen to this song:

"I see youuuuuuu!"

This is probably one of the creepiest things I have ever listened to. I love it. And Tom Waits. I'm listening to one of his albums, "Mule Variations" and will work my way backwards to some of his others after I give this one a few more listenings. Awesome, awesome, awesome! It's always fun when a friend introduces you to great music that's been around for awhile but you just never had the opportunity to discover it yourself.

Thaaaaaaanks Caio! (He doesn't read this but I'll tell him know next time I see him) =)

Important Knowledge!

Not sure if anyone out there missed seeing a new post from me but if you did I apologize! I had family visiting from out of the country and I started a new job this month so I've been trying to reorganize my life. Now that the familia's gone back to the mother country I should be able to update more consistently.

I am one of those people who use Twitter to follow others that actually have something worth saying. 2 accounts that I follow (and highly recommend to other Twitter users) are OMGFacts and OMGFactsSex. It's pretty much what you expect, one if random facts and the other random sex facts. Here are some of my favorites that I just learned OMGFactsSex:

"For right-handed men, the left testicle hangs lower, and vice versa." (Does this have something to do w/the hand they use to masturbate?)

"Women with a Ph.D are twice as likely to be interested in a one-night stand than women with a bachelor’s degree." (When you're not pretty, you use your smarts!)

"Females who undergo sex-change surgery report being happier after the operation than the men who do." (Yeah not so much fun when you're the one getting screwed, now is it?)

"Isaac Newton died a virgin. If you ever failed calculus, you can take that as a small consolation." (Now we'll never get little boys to do their math homework!)

"Gandhi used to sleep with naked girls in his bed." (It pays to be compassionate!)

"3 out of every 1000 men can fellate themselves." (And probably 1000 out of every 1000 men have tried it.)

"Orgies were originally religious events." (There's one way to convince Atheists to return to religion!)

There are plenty more interesting (and I'm sure useful) facts out there so if you have a Twitter account, follow OMGFacts and OMGFactsSex!

http://twitter.com/#!/OMGFactsSex

Bama Chaun! Say Yeah! YEAH!!!

Have you guys seen this video before? It's not new, I think I first saw it a couple of years ago but if you haven't seen it yet, watch it before you scroll down.

"It's probably jus' a crackhead gotta hold of the wrong stuff"

For the record, no, I am not from Alabama. I just happened to be there for a reason.

Also, when you take a closer look at the picture notice the lips. I managed to slip some sexy duckage in my face. I told you, I'm determined to make on www.antiduckface.com so if you see me on there, let me know. I can cross off one of my life goals from my list.

SAY YEAH!!! YEAH!!!

Quack! Quack!

"Anatidaephobia is the fear that somewhere in the world, there is a duck watching you."

I hope no one suffering from this disorder was in NOLA this past weekend because there were ducks everywhere. Most of them were female but occasionally a male duck would jump out of the woodworks. They're attracted to flashes of light and are easily brought out by the sound made by cameras when they're turned on.

I went duckfacing in NOLA! FUCK YEAH!

Ducks are sexy, right?

I've got more pictures of myself with that same face. I can't help it if I have large lips, that's my natural expression. 

My goal in life is to make on to this website: http://antiduckface.com/

Resulting Resolutions

New Year's is a time when everyone decides to hit their metaphorical reset buttons in hopes of reliving the previous year without their many massive mistakes that deterred them from the realization of their promises, hopes, and dreams. January (especially the first couple of weeks) is a period of confidence, determination, and perseverance. The third week of January through December 31st is when reality kicks in and all those goals go out the window.

This year one of my resolutions will be to influence others to be better people and to help them achieve a less stressful life. I shall start by scaring the shit out of children into obedience:

"In some European countries, an evil goat-horned spirit is said to accompany Santa Claus on Christmas day, punishing little children. This demon is called the Krampus, and he haunts the Christmases of children in Austria, southern Germany, Switzerland, and northern Italy. According to the legend, the Krampus would originally ride with St. Nick on his worldwide gift-giving tour. Santa would give children presents...and the Krampus would beat them. "

http://www.omg-facts.com/view/Facts/22293

Beware! Beware! Beware of the Krampy Krampus! (To learn more, click the link right underneath the picture).

Two birds, one stone. Children shall act less bratty and their progenitors less stressed.

Well, there you go. Something to keep in mind for the next 12 months. To all the parents learning about this demon for the first time, you're welcome!